Someone to carry you
by tessinciucy
Summary: A post post Descent fic that I never imagined to write. Things are more complicated than everyone expected and someone has to take important decisions that will change them all. It's all about Kensi and Deeks.
1. Chapter 1

Hi everyone! Here I am with something new. I swore that I would have never written anything about the infamous season finale aka Descent, but an idea popped out of my idea during a conversation I had on Twitter and I couldn't take it out of my mind. So I had to write it down.

A very very special thanks to Xwing12, because without her I wouldn't write more than one chapter of this story and because she gave me some precious suggestions. I owe you and this story is as mine as yours!

As always I own nothing, the characters of NCIS LA don't belong to me. I only like playing with them.

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Someone to carry you - Chapter 1

"I'm leaving."

The words echoed in her ears and were like daggers piercing her heart. Kensi hated them with all of herself. "Deeks, what..."

"Kensi, I said I'm leaving. I... I can't work here, not anymore. Not after..." Deeks stopped talking, unable to go on as a lump formed in his throat, knotting it.

"No, this is wrong. You know this is not the solution." She tried to get closer, to touch him, but he walked backwards, retreating from her. Kensi felt a pang in her heart. Usually she was the one keeping her partner at arm's length, not the other way around. She closed her eyes, sighing. "Ok, as you wish, but this doesn't change the fact that I'm here for you, that we can solve this together."

She could not forget that Deeks kissed her. At night, alone in her apartment, lying in bed, she could still feel his lips gently brushing hers, as his scent pervaded her nostrils. _How's that for communication?_ His words resounded in her ears, stuck in her mind. It seemed a lifetime ago, when she had pressed him to express himself, to reveal his own feelings, to say something he truly meant. That kiss was the last happy moment, the last bit of normality before all hell broke loose. Before their lives changed, probably forever. Before Sidorov happened and tore their lives to pieces.

It had been three months and both Sam and Deeks had recovered physically from their injuries, but no one on the team had really recovered emotionally. Nothing was like it was before and Kensi missed it, badly.

"No, Kensi, there's nothing to solve, there's nothing anymore!" Deeks said gravely, his voice nothing more than a whisper. "There's nothing worth it..."

"Nothing worth it? Are you kidding me? What about your job here? I thought you liked it here, that you felt at home!" She almost shouted feeling the panic grow inside of her. "What about us? Isn't that worth it?"

The cop hesitated, his blue eyes darkened. It was hard, probably the hardest thing he had ever done in his whole life. He found it almost impossible to look at Kensi, at her mismatched eyes that usually went deeply into his soul. He made a decision and there was no turning back. "I don't belong here, Kens."

She literally melted hearing him using the shortened version of her name, something he hadn't done in ages. "You know that is not true."

He chuckled bitterly, shaking his head. "You better talk to Sam then, he probably has something to say on this matter."

"Deeks, you know that he didn't mean it. He was going through a rough period, he was under a lot of stress because of Michelle and Sidorov," Kensi tried to justify her older teammate, even if she was still upset with him, but at this point, she would say anything to keep Deeks from leaving.

"Oh no, you're wrong here. Sam meant exactly what he said. He didn't trust me because of me as a character, because I'm different." The cop had to stop because he was shaking too badly as mixed feelings crossed his mind. "Hell, because of my hair! He questioned me as a person first and then as a cop, too. Do you have the slightest idea of how much that hurt? After everything I did for this team..." He let the words fall in the air.

"But it's different now and he's really grateful to you." She attempted again to close the distance between them. "You saved his life and Michelle's. You know how important that is to him."

"That is bullshit! How convenient is it to be grateful now?" A shiver ran down his spine as images flashed in front of his eyes and Sidorov's accented voice echoed in his head. _Is Quinn an undercover agent? _Deeks remembered Sam's begging eyes, asking him not to give up his wife. "I would have never given up Michelle." His last words were barely a whisper as he was talking more to himself then to Kensi.

"I know... we all know and this is why you should stay," she insisted, hopefully, but the cold stance she got in return made her shiver. Her partner's eyes had never been so cold and hard.

"Stay? To do what? To be the end of everyone's joke? To feel betrayed? To prove to all of you that I'm not just a joke?" The cop hesitated, biting his lips nervously. "I thought I had found a place where I belonged, but I was wrong. How could I have been so stupid to believe that?"

"Deeks, no. Don't say that. You know it's not true..." She hadn't realized until now how many times she said his name. It was her usual tactic during an interrogation, to let the other people feel comfortable enough to open up with her. But this was not an interrogation. This was Deeks, her partner, her friend, someone very dear to her.

"Not true? Kensi, no one stood up for me when Sam said he only trusted Callen to watch his back during the operation. Callen himself was so busy battling Janvier to realize that things had gone to hell! I was alone back there, Kensi. Alone. Hetty and Granger didn't even bother to send any back up!" His blue eyes slowly became teary as his sweaty hands clenched into tight fists. "I don't have regrets of what I did. I'd do everything again because I knew it was the right thing to do. I watched my partner's back in spite of everything that has been said between us, because this is what I always do. Because this is what I am!"

Kensi was finally starting to see things from his perspective and a deep sadness filled her heart. "I can understand how you're feeling."

"No, you can't," he whispered as his eyes locked on hers.

This was another punch in her stomach. He was right. "But what about me?" she asked hesitantly "What about us?"

Once again his blue eyes sparkled, full of hundreds of different emotions. "As I said, I don't regret anything and I'd do everything in the same exact way, but..."

Kensi studied his troubled expression, expectantly, biting nervously her lower lip.

"But I'm not the same man anymore and frankly, I don't really know who I am anymore." He was using that mellow and sweet voice that he reserved only for her, the same voice Kensi was barely able to resist.

She moved forward, with a desire to touch him, to let him feel that nothing had changed for her. She was aware that she had to do something to convince him to stay before it was too late. There was a part of herself that was slowly realizing that she was losing him, but Kensi didn't want to accept it. Deeks had become too important. She was not able to see her life without him around. "No, you're still the same man. Your heart is still the same. You have only to believe it yourself."

"I… no, I can't do this, not anymore." His hands were shaking so badly as they went through his hair. The cop seemed really on the edge of a breakdown. Actually, it looked like he had already crossed that edge.

The NCIS agent could not stop feeling sad for him. Usually Deeks was so super-confident to appear cocky in front of the other people. His way to use humor to deflect everything that had been thrown at him was something that had always fascinated her. His genuine smile was what had won her over. There was no trace of any of these traits anymore. He resembled an empty shell without a soul, a soul that had been stolen by his own demons.

Kensi wanted nothing more than to help him, but she was sadly aware that it was hard. Sidorov, with his torture, had not only hurt his body to such an extent, but had taken away his innocence, his carelessness, his free and joyful spirit. "You can Deeks. You need to fight, but you're not alone. I'm here, with you."

The cop burst out laughing. "No, I've had enough of fighting. I have been doing it for my whole life… against my father, against prejudice, against people who saw me just an idiot, against LAPD… against Sam and to everyone like him. It's time to stop…" He turned on his heels attempting to leave.

"Stop!" His partner grabbed his arm and forced him to look at her straight in the eyes. She was not ready for the emptiness and the sorrow she saw in those usually joyous blue orbs. It was shocking. "I'm not letting you go!" She didn't expect the reaction she got.

Deeks' jaw tightened and his expression hardened. "This is not about you, Kensi. It's about me! There's no us this time. It's just me and there is nothing you can say that is going to change it."

"Damn it, Deeks! Why are you so stubborn? We're partners, we face everything together!" The level of desperation in her voice was rising. She hated feeling so pathetic, but she was not ready to give up on him, not yet. And she was really scared that he was the one who was giving up. Giving up on himself, on her… on his life and career. On everything.

"But I was alone!" he snapped, unable to control his trembling. His breathing was heavy and labored. He didn't mean to shout so loud, but he was not able to do anything to prevent it. "I was alone, Kensi," his tone softened, but it couldn't hide the terror that those memories still brought him.

Kensi's eyes watered, sensing the weight of those words. "But you're not alone now," she simply said, finally touching his hand. "Talk to me, Deeks, don't shut me off."

"There's nothing to talk about," Deeks told her as he wanted to end this conversation as soon as possible, clearly uneasy.

"Oh don't lie to me! Do you think I'm stupid? I can see how all of this is still affecting you… have you looked at your reflection in the mirror lately?" she tried once again to establish physical contact with him but once again, he retreated without even looking at her. "When was the last time you had a good night of sleep or you had eaten properly?"

"I said that I don't want to talk about it." His voice was getting firmer.

"But I only want to help you, I…" Kensi knew that she was walking into a mine field. "I only want to…"

"Oh hell, Kensi! How can I tell you that I don't want to talk about it?" he yelled, shaking violently. Then his voice softened as he went on talking, showing all of his pain, his internal struggle. "I don't want to go back there… I don't want to feel like I was feeling in that damn place. Not anymore."

Her heart simply melted and a tight knot clenched her stomach at the thought of what this whole experience had meant to him. How much it had affected him. She had never seen him so defenseless, so desperate… so broken. Deeks didn't have anything left inside that gave him the energy to go on, to fight for what was important to him. "I… I can understand it. I don't want to start even thinking what it was like for you being there, but let me help you, Deeks. Please… talk to me, it's the only way to get over it."

"And what do you know, Kensi? Have you ever been in my position? Have you ever felt like… like you're nothing? Like you're useless?" his voice cracked and his eyes watered, but there was a lot of resentment into his words.

"But you're not useless! You never was and never will!" Kensi moved, once again a step towards him, but as it happened before, her partner retreated from her, not wanting to be touched.

"I am! The weak one… that's what he said! He told Sam I was the weak one and you know, he was right…" he was shaking, unable to keep his body under control. His trembling hand went through his hair before stopping on his neck, his breathing labored. Sidorov's words were stuck in his mind, reminding him of the same words his father used to tell him over and over. The same words he thought that were long forgotten. But he was so wrong. Every word now reverberated in his head, cutting into his heart like a knife, reaching deep down his soul. During those long, endless hours of his imprisonment he had felt lonely, even if Sam was a few feet away from him. When he was tortured by those sadistic bastards, there was no one else. It was just him and his pain, his growing desperation. And a sense of incompetence that had brought him there, to face that situation. He screwed things up, once again. Maybe his father had been right then. He was a failure and there was no place here for someone like him.

"No, no, no… Deeks, you can't believe that! He was just playing with your mind. You're not weak… how can you believe in what he told you? He only wanted you to give up Michelle, he would have said anything to break you, to make you say what he wanted to hear…" She noticed that her words did not reach him. Her partner seemed lost somewhere else, trapped in another world. "But you didn't. You've been brave and took everything he did to you…" This time her voice cracked, remembering the moment she had found him, in that little dusty and filthy room, tied to that chair, bloody… The moment she thought she had lost him "…and you didn't say a word. I can't believe you still think you're weak!"

"Because they are right!" Deeks' eyes darkened and his tone raised as he yelled angrily. "Sam, Sidorov… my father! They are all right… no one should trust me, because I'm useless, I'm weak…"

And now Kensi understood. If at first her partner had seemed angry, because, in his mind, no one trusted him, because no one had backed him up in the mission, now she could see what was the real problem. Sidorov's torture had brought back some old memories of Deeks' childhood, destroying in the process everything he had done after the day he shot his father to put back the pieces of his life, of his self-confidence. He had fought his entire life to demonstrate that he was a better man than his father and mostly that he was not as useless as his father had always told him. To do that, he first became a lawyer then a cop. But now, the old doubts were back. That eleven year old boy was back, with all his fears, uncertainties and insecurities.

It broke her heart seeing him like this and mostly knowing that he didn't want her or anyone else's help, especially any of his teammates' help. In that moment she realized, sadly, that no matter how hard she tried, no matter what she could say to him, there was nothing she could do to help him if he didn't let her in. And at this point, he was just a rubber wall. Tears veiled her mismatched eyes at the thought. She was not ready to lose him. Hell, he couldn't come into her life, take her heart, and then shatter it to pieces like nothing ever happened. No… _Damn you, Deeks! Why was I so stupid to fall for you? Why was I so stupid to think that you were different from the others?_ She didn't know whether she was madder or more disappointed… angrier or sadder. "Deeks, I… I can't lose you, please, let me help you. I don't want you to go away, to leave the job, the team… to leave me…"

Her words this time gained her a reaction. The blond detective stared straight at her, his deep, sad eyes locked on hers. This time he closed the gap between them, gently brushing her cheek with the back of his hand.

Kensi felt shivers ran along her back at his touch, like an electrical discharge coursing through her whole body. "Don't leave me," she repeated. Her hand covered his, letting it rest on her face. She had missed this closeness, the contact with him that she didn't want to lose again.

Deeks gave her the most beautiful, but at the same time, the saddest smile she had ever seen. Pain was evident in his expression and his eyes were darker than usual, deeper, unable to mask the inner battle going on inside of him. His voice was a mere whisper when he talked. "I don't want to lose you either…"

"So don't go. Stay here. Stay with me!" She was literally begging him, uncaring of the fact that she was showing all of her emotions, all of her weakness. She was simply offering her heart to him.

"There's no other place I would like to be," the cop hesitated. He felt her eyes on him, pleading him to stay. He was aware how much it cost her to say those words to him, to let her shields go down and allow him to get inside her heart and soul. But at this point, staying was not an option. "But… the man you need is gone and you deserve much more than what I am now. You deserve someone who could love you unconditionally and I… am not that man anymore…" A tear rolled down his cheek. "Kensi, I don't know who I am, what I am anymore. I…. I feel so empty and I don't want to drag you down into this emptiness. It's consuming."

"No, no… you're not going away with this poor excuse, Deeks! I won't allow you to leave me like this, not after…" The taste of his lips on hers was still lingering, even after all of this time. Instinctively, she licked her lips, as she tried to find the words to say. "Not after what happened that… not after you kissed me!"

"That was a lifetime ago. Things have changed and I simply cannot do this anymore, Kensi. I am tired of the fact that I have to prove to everyone that I'm good. I'm tired of people not trusting me… hell, I'm tired of not trusting myself. I'm tired of feeling so damn broken!" His tone was harsh and the anger that transpired was directed at himself and himself only. "I'm tired… just too tired." He retreated from her, giving her his back.

"But I want to help you, I can help you..." she insisted, hopefully.

"It's too late. I'm beyond help." Deeks was so desperate and resigned to his fate. There was no fight in him anymore, no hope, no will.

Silence fell between them. Kensi couldn't believe this was truly happening. Her partner was leaving her, like all the men in her life had done. "You promised me you would have never leave me…" There was a lot of pain, of hurt in her feeble words.

"You, you, you…! Damn Kensi, don't you get it that this is not about you?!" snapped the cop. "This is about me and me only. I am the failure. I am the one who's not worth it. And it's too much. It's just too much…" He was shaking when he turned to face her, tears veiling his blue eyes. "Kensi, I am dangerous and broken. Being around me is a curse… a sickness! A consuming sickness…" Deeks' voice became almost inaudible as his expression softened. "I don't want to destroy you, Kensi. I love you too much and I only want you to be happy. You will never be happy with me." Without a warning, he got closer, cupped her face and kissed her on her lips, exactly as he did the last time. Then, without adding anything else or looking back, he turned on his heels and left, walking out of her apartment, closing the door behind him.

Kensi was not able to move, to say a single word. She was shocked and, at the same time, devastated. Deeks loved her, he had finally admitted it, saying what he really meant. He loved her so much that he left her to protect her from him, because he feared that he was a danger for her. Once again, in his own way, he was protecting her, as he always did.

Her instinct told her to run after him, to convince him to come back to her, to fix things between them, but her legs failed her. She barely made it to the door where she leaned her forehead against it before her legs buckled and she slid down to the floor. Tears formed in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks, burning and stinging her flushed face.

There was a pang in her heart, a sense of emptiness, a stabbing pain that ripped her heart apart. In a brief moment, she had lost her partner, her best friend, the man she trusted with her own life… the man she loved. In just one moment, her life had been torn to pieces. In that single moment, she knew that her life had changed. Forever.

Unable to control herself anymore, she curled into a fetal position and cried.

_In distance the radio played 'If you love somebody, set them free...'_


	2. Chapter 2

Broken record here, but as always thanks to all of you who left a review, followed or favorited this. I appreciate it.

Just a side note to someone who pointed this out. The grammar mistakes still present in the previous chapter (and in the following ones probably) even after Xwing12 hard work, are my fault and my fault only. English is not my first language and I'm doing the best I can with it :)

Now, up with the second chapter.

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Someone to carry you - Chapter 2

A month. She couldn't believe that it had been already a month since her partner left the team, left NCIS, since he left her, to go back to LAPD. At least this was what Kensi had thought at this time.

She had been miserable for the past thirty days, unsure of what to do, debating her next move. Part of herself wanted to talk to Deeks, to see him. Another part felt that he needed some time alone, some space to clear his mind. So she resisted the urge to run to his apartment and decided to let him be… For a while.

But now things had changed and Kensi couldn't wait any longer. She was aware that her partner would never open the door of his apartment for her if she showed up. He had been categorical the day he left. So, for this reason, the NCSI agent went to the only place she was sure to find him, the LAPD precinct. A surprise waited for her there, though.

"He never came back to work, Agent Blye," Lt. Bates had told her, barely hiding a bit of concern. "Deeks asked for a leave of absence and after what the kid went through, I was eager to give it to him. Even the shrink said it was a good idea. I haven't seen or heard from him since that day he showed up here, handing me his request."

Kensi was sure that, at that moment, her face lost all of its color, as her world had literally exploded around her.

"_Agent Blye, Deeks needs help. Keep an eye on him before he destroys himself._" Bates' words echoed in her ears as she approached the door of Deeks' apartment. She couldn't deny the fact that she was nervous. Firstly, because it had been a month without knowing anything about him, without seeing him, hell, without him. It had been longer than she had ever imagined. But what scared her the most and made her very anxious was the fact that she didn't have any idea of what she would find once she stepped through this door.

Taking a long, deep breath, she knocked, waiting for an answer that didn't come. "Deeks? It's Kensi. Open the door!" She didn't realize that she was shouting, but she was aware that her hand was trembling as it grabbed the doorknob and turned it. Surprisingly, the door was not locked.

Kensi opened it cautiously. The whole apartment was in darkness. The shutters were closed and according to the smell coming from inside, the windows hadn't been opened in a long time.

"Deeks? Are you there?" she asked, allowing her trained eyes to scan the apartment. Everything looked in its place. There were no clothes scattered around or remains of take-away food. It looked exactly like she remembered, only that it was like no one had lived in this place for days.

"Deeks? Where are you?" No answer. "Monty? Hey boy?" she tried, hoping that the loyal dog might be around, but once again, only silence welcomed her.

Her concern grew bigger. What the hell happened here? Where was Deeks? The NCIS agent moved towards the windows and started opening them and the shutters to allow the light inside. It was when she was opening the third one that she heard a groan coming from the farthest corner.

"Don't…" a tired voice told her. It was weak, barely a whisper, but at the same time, unmistakable. She would recognize that voice anywhere, anytime.

"Deeks!" Kensi exclaimed, seeing a figure sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. Monty had his head on his lap and hearing her voice, he opened his eyes with a hint of recognition and his tail started wagging. But the dog didn't move away from his master, as he sensed that something was wrong with him. "Hey boy…" She scratched Monty behind his ears, receiving a pleased moan as an answer. "Come on, Monty… I'll take care of him, but first I think you need to have something to eat and drink."

The dog stood up, stretching his muscles and then followed her towards the kitchen. He waited patiently for Kensi to prepare his bowls and when she was finished, he rushed towards them. "Good boy. Take your time…" She petted him a little bit, then turned her attention to the still form on the ground that hadn't moved a single muscle since her arrival.

She approached her partner, biting her lip nervously. Her heart melted at the sight. She had never imagined to find him in such a state… this was so un-Deeks-like. How could she have allowed this to happen? Why didn't she come to visit him sooner?

Kensi sat beside him, taking away the bottle of whiskey from his hand and studying him intently. His hair was longer, even more disheveled than usual. His beard was thick and this time, it was a real beard not the stubble he usually sported. Dark circles adorned his eyes that were unfocused and partially closed. How long had he been here? Had he eaten? Did he drink anything else other than alcohol? She couldn't deny that she felt a bit guilty, but she forced herself to remember that it was Deeks who pushed her away, not the other way around. Obviously, it didn't work…She simply felt terrible seeing him like this. "Deeks…" She didn't know what to do, what to say, how to approach him, but she was aware that she had to do something.

"Go away, Kensi," he muttered. His voice was feeble, distant.

"Deeks, I… you are…"

"I'm not drunk, Kensi. So please go away. I want to be alone…" He insisted with unexpected firmness. His eyes didn't even look for her. They were staring in front of him, in the air, unfocused… empty.

"No, I'm not going anywhere, not while you're like this," she said, tentatively moving her hand towards him, slightly brushing his arm.

Deeks retreated from her and he turned his head to face her with a cold expression. "I said Go away! Leave me alone, don't you see that I don't want you here?" he yelled angrily. His fingers curled around her wrist with unexpected strength. Horror filled his eyes when he realized what he was doing. His whole body trembled as he let her go, pressing himself against the wall. His voice softened as he spoke. "I don't want anyone here…"

At first, Kensi was shocked by his reaction, but hearing his last whispered words, she could only feel bad for him. For a month she had imagined him burying himself into his work to forget about what had happened to him, to lose his mind. If only she had known, maybe she would have come sooner or she would have sent someone to help him, to talk to him.

"You need help, Deeks. Can't you see it, damn it? This is not you! How long have you been here? You have buried yourself in this place… hell Deeks! You haven't even taken care of Monty! What the hell is wrong with you?" she snapped, surprising even herself, probably releasing all of her repressed frustration.

"I don't need help… especially yours! So please, since you don't like what you see, go away! I was fine until just few minutes ago… I would like to be back there!" His voice became louder. He tried to stand, to get away from her inquisitive look, but as he attempted to do so, his legs buckled from underneath him and he had to lean against the wall for support.

"Hey, here… let me help you…" Kensi moved immediately to his side, placing an arm around his waist, fighting his attempt to wriggle away.

"I'm fine… and I can stand without your help! I'm not a baby…" Deeks snapped, before dizziness caught him in full force. The room started spinning and this time he didn't have any other choice but to lean on her or he would fall to the floor in a heap.

"Wow… easy there," she remarked, a bit amused but, at the same time, worried. "Come on, let me get you to the couch."

He allowed her to help him, even if a bit reluctantly, and soon he was sinking in the couch. His head leaned against the back and his eyes closed, tiredly. "Go away, Kens… please."

The deep sorrow coming from those simple words shocked her and made her even more determined to help him. "No way," she replied, firmly, without hesitation. Her hand moved instinctively to brush off a golden lock from his face in a tender gesture. Kensi checked Deeks' eyes, relieved to find them still closed so he was not able to see her blush. "Why are you doing this to yourself? Look at you…"

She couldn't go on, because her sentence was interrupted abruptly by her partner's vehement reaction. He pushed her hand away with a slap. "If you came here to pity me, well, maybe it's better that you leave. I was doing a pretty good job myself!"

Kensi was really on the edge of losing her patience. She hated this attitude of her partner. She hated seeing him give up. "Stop with this self-pity! What the hell happened to you? Where's your fire? I never took you for someone who would give up so easily…"

"Sorry to disappoint you, Fern…" he grinned bitterly, placing his forearm over his eyes, shielding them from the light and from her inquisitive look.

This was the last straw and she couldn't hold on anymore. "You know what Deeks… I was wrong. Your problem is not your lack of communication skills," she paused to evaluate his reaction that came as a little tension in his whole body, a little twitch. "You're simply a coward! You ran away from your problems, you ran away from the team, you ran away from the people who care for you. Damn it, Deeks, you ran away from me! Because you were scared of what was going to happen!" Once again, she stopped talking, studying him with her knowing mismatched eyes. "You're just a coward…" Her voice softened as she sank into the couch herself. "I thought you were different, but you're like everyone else. There's a problem and you run."

Deeks felt a pang in his stomach, like she had just punched him. Was she right? Was he a coward? "You don't know anything, Kens. Nothing."

"So tell me! Talk to me! Damn it, don't you see that you're destroying yourself!? Hell, Deeks, don't you see that I care too much about you to let you sink into this dark hole you have created for yourself?" She put a hand on his cheek, guiding his gaze to her so that their eyes could stare at each other's. "I… I need you, but not this version of you. I need the Deeks that found his way through to my soul, through to my heart. The Deeks that never gives up, that has always a crappy joke for everyone. I don't care if you feel broken, if you feel lost, we can make it better, together…" Her eyes watered, losing themselves in his ocean blue ones. "Let me help you… Please, let me help you and come back to me…"

Deeks bit his lip, nervously, as hundreds of different emotions overwhelmed him. He was not able to see her cry, to see Kensi so open and vulnerable. There was nothing that hurt him more than seeing her like this, but he was not ready. He was still too dangerous for her, like a man who was drowning and who was a danger to the one person who tried to help him. He would drag everyone down. And she didn't deserve this… She deserved much more, something he was not able to give her. Not right now. His hand cupped her face, sensing a lonely tear ending on his fingers. "I… I can't Kensi. I… I simply can't. I would destroy you! This emptiness, this pain would consume you as much as it's consuming me."

"I can take care of myself, so let me decide what I can do and what I can't, what I want and what I don't want. What I need and what I don't need." She took his hand in hers and was surprised to see him allow her to do it. "And I need you…"

For a moment, he stood still. Teary eyes locked on her, his lips trembling because of his nervousness and anxiety.

For a moment she thought that she had made it, that she had broken the wall he had built around himself to shut everyone off.

For a moment…

Until he took his hand back and stood up abruptly as he wanted to escape from his demons, from the reality. "Go away, Kens," he murmured, with a feeble voice.

"No." Kensi tried not to show her disappointment, remaining firm and steady on her point. She didn't have any intention to leave him.

"I said, go away," he insisted, passing his hand through his long hair, a clear sign of his uneasiness.

"And I said no." She was stubborn and she didn't want to let him win this time. It was too important.

"Damn it, Kensi. Go away!" Deeks lost his control. Waving his arms in the air. They impacted the lamp on the small table right beside him and sent it crashing to the floor. Angrily, he kicked it, as tears rolled down his face. When the rush of adrenaline and rage finally left his body, he sank to his knees, defeated. "Please, stay away from me… I don't want to hurt you…"

She stared at him, in shock. It was the first time she had seen him lose it like that and she couldn't deny that it terrified her, not for herself though, but for him. Now more than ever, she realized how much he needed help, any kind of help, professional or simply a friendly shoulder to lean on. "You need help, Deeks… if you don't want mine, please allow someone else to do it. I… I feel like I'm losing you and it breaks me."

"I'm beyond help, I have already told you…" He lifted his head, looking at her, deeply, as only he could do.

It was the first glimpse of the real Deeks. It was something she hadn't seen in a long time and she clung onto it. "You know that's not true."

"I'm not worthy, Kens… of your effort, or a shrink's, or any of you…" The cop sat heavily on the floor, sighing sadly. "Please, I am asking you with all of my heart, let me be. You don't need me, hell, you don't need this…"

"No! I need you…" Kensi rushed towards him, hoping to change his mind, she was getting desperate, not to mention that she had a mission to accomplish. A mission Hetty sent her to accomplish. "And the team needs you, too," she said without thinking, without any warning.

He tensed, sensing that something was going on. His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?" he asked, dubiously. "Kensi, why are you here?"

The NCIS agent bowed her head, allowing her guilt to be displayed. "Deeks, I…"

Deeks knew her too well, he knew what her words and the way she said them meant. "Idiot! I'm just a fucking idiot! For a moment, I thought you were here because you really cared!"

"But I do… I care, Deeks! Hetty sent me because something came up at work that requires your presence, but… but someone else could have come to get you. She wanted to send Callen, but I wanted to come see you, because I really miss you. I was not joking when I said that I need you… I was not fooling around with you." She tried to touch him, needing the contact. "I need you back in my life." Kensi didn't expect the coldness or the hardness that she saw in her former partner's eyes as he spoke.

"Go away…" he told her once again. His voice was emotionless and distant.

"Not before I tell you why Hetty sent me here. It's important…" She saw him struggle. Deep inside, she knew that the old Deeks was still there. The loyal, considerate and caring man behind the badge was still there somewhere. "We're investigating a gun dealer who is trying to sell military weapons abroad, especially to some countries that are not very US friendly."

"Kensi, stop… I'm… I'm not interested," he stated, hoping she would stop talking.

But she didn't. "This gun dealer tried to email one of his old associates, one of his old contacts…" Her voice trembled, knowing that what she was going to say would have a big impact on the man in front of her. "Deeks, the gun dealer is Terrence Watford…" She saw her partner become tense and his tongue run all over his lips, "…and he contacted Max Gentry, asking for help."

"How dare you? How… how can you come here, pretending to be kind and caring, pretending to be here to help me and then throwing this shit against me? You know how much I… I hate it, how much I want to bury Max six feet under…. You, you amongst all the people…" He couldn't continue, afraid he could react violently. He was shaking and even the usual gesture of moving his hand through his hair didn't calm him.

"Deeks you know I didn't come here just because of this. I meant every word I said before. Every single word… because I truly care for you, more than I cared for any other man." She hated herself in this moment, because she was aware that she had hurt him again, more than she had ever imagined. She could see it in his eyes, in his posture, in the way he stood.

"Enough!" Deeks stopped her, yelling. "Get out of here! Now!" He turned around so he was not forced to look at her.

Something broke inside of her, because she realized that this time she really had lost him. She had lost him forever. Reluctantly, and fighting her own tears that threatened to roll copiously down her cheeks, she got up and moved towards the door. As she did, she noticed a pile of DVDs on the bookshelf. DVDs that they used to watch together. She picked up one, smiling. "Do you remember that episode? The one when Tracey showed up on Serenity faking his death… do you remember what he said before dying?"

Deeks was startled by her question but out of instinct, he answered it "_When you can't run, you crawl. If you can't crawl- you find someone to carry you._"

"I would have carried you everywhere if you just allowed me, because I care and I don't want you to end up like Tracey…" with those few whispered words, Kensi opened the door and walked outside.

The cop stood there, alone, reflecting on her last sentence. His legs failed him and once again he fell on his knees. "Idiot… pathetic failure! That's what you are! Just a failure…" Emptiness engulfed him. His breathing became labored and before he could do anything about it, before he could even attempt to move a single muscle, darkness surrounded him and, emotionally drained, he fell into oblivion. Monty, sensing his master's discomfort, moved towards him, lying beside him, loyally watching him as he slept not very peacefully.

* * *

A/N: For everyone who doesn't know about it, the quote they mentioned is from _Firefly_ and the episode is _The Message. _You should check it out ;)


	3. Chapter 3

I am so glad people enjoyed the Firefly reference! I just love that show and I am happy that other people do it as well.

Anyway, new (longer) chapter here.

I have to give a very special thanks to Xwing12 for this chapter; not only she helped me going through my English, but also, she helped sorting my (and hers) ideas out.

* * *

Someone to carry you - Chapter 3

A distant sound reached his ears, but he didn't seem to care, lost in the meanders of his mind, unaware of anything happening outside the four walls of his apartment, that once again was engulfed by darkness. The windows and the shutters had been closed, so he could escape from the world outside, from a life that was no longer real for him, from the people that, day after day, went on with their existences.

Deeks was sitting on the cold floor of his kitchen wearing the same t-shirt and the same pair of jeans he had been wearing for days. He didn't even remember taking a shower or having a decent meal. Not to mention any sleep. His bed was tidy and neat and it had been like that for weeks.

He simply didn't have the energy to do anything, to take care of himself or of the house. In the living room, the scattered pieces of the lamp he broke during Kensi's visit were still there, on the floor.

The only activity he had forced himself to do was feeding Monty, offering him something to drink and opening the back door that gave access to the little park outside his building. The dog could do whatever he needed before sneaking back inside, where he kept watch over his master. Even now, Monty was snuggled next to Deeks, once in a while, lifting his head to check on him.

The cop had completely lost track of time, days and nights blended together in long endless hours of emptiness, of apathy. His only company were the demons crowding his troubled mind.

The distant sound became louder and more insistent, but again, Deeks didn't bother about it and brought the bottle of whiskey to his lips, sipping it avidly. The amber colored liquid ran down his throat, burning it, making him close his eyes to fight the intense sensation. It even brought tears to his stingy and tired orbs. He placed an arm over his face covering it, more out of habit than for a real need, and when he decided to remove it, he could only chuckle because of what he saw right in front of him, because of the standing figure in front of him.

"I thought it was clear that a closed door meant '_get the hell out of here!_' " he muttered, slurring his words a little.

"You should know that a door has never stopped me when I wanted something…" The diminutive figure intently studied the sitting form of Detective Marty Deeks, almost shocked by his appearance. "Mr. Deeks, Miss Blye wasn't exaggerating when she spoke about her last visit with you".

"What do you want Hetty?" Deeks said with a heavy sigh, slightly annoyed by the interruption. Monty opened one of his eyes, not really interested in what was happening around him.

"I need your help, Mr Deeks," Hetty replied. She took the sight of Deeks in as she said those words, waiting for a reaction that didn't really come.

"My help?" he chuckled, shaking his head. "You have an elite team to help you. What would you need my help for?" Distractedly, he took another sip of whiskey.

"Since you decided to turn your back to my request, I was forced to send Miss Blye undercover and, I am sorry to tell you that we have not heard from her for a few days now."

Deeks' body tensed, a hint of guilt knotting his stomach. He swallowed, looking at Hetty incredulously. "Where's her backup?" He couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Both Mr Callen and Mr Hanna were there, but their covers have been blown. We don't know how. There is a leak that Mr Beale and Miss Jones are working on. We have setup surveillance on the outside, but we need someone on the inside. We need Max Gentry. He already has connections there. Terrence Watford had specifically requested his presence, so Max would be our best option. It will take too long to establish another cover for another agent and I don't know how much time Miss Blye has." The Operations Manager tried to keep her voice steady, but it was clear that she was worried.

"Max Gentry is no longer here. I'm sorry Hetty, but... I cannot help you." With extreme difficulty, Deeks got up, as he didn't want to have this conversation. "I thought I made myself clear when I said that I didn't want to have anything to do with this operation, with Terrence Watford, with..." His voice cracked a little as it was costing a lot to him to say those things. "With Max. You know I... I don't like him. And between you and me, I don't think I'll be able to get any work done. You need someone who can do this job. I simply can't. I'd fail as I always do..." A bitter smile curled his lips as his hands started shaking. The cop forced them through his hair hoping that the gesture could calm him down like it usually did, but this time, it didn't work.

Hetty observed him. Her knowing eyes didn't miss the confusion or the profound sorrow that overwhelmed him and clouded his judgment. The blond detective was on the edge of depression, maybe a little further beyond. He needed the help that he stubbornly refused. "Allow me to disagree, Mr. Deeks. You have never failed me, not once. I always believed that you're very capable and the whole team agrees with me." She came closer to him, standing just an inch away from him. "Miss Blye needs your help. You're the only one who can do this. I know you can."

"Oh hell, Hetty! Don't play with me! You know that this is bullshit! I'd screwed up and I'd screw up again if I had to come back!" He almost yelled, his tone harsh and cold. "You, the team, Kensi need someone who can do this job without breaking up, without messing things up. You have plenty of agents, much better than I ever was... so get one of them on this case, get Callen, Sam... hell, even Nell. But leave me alone." The last sentence was merely a whisper.

The diminutive woman sighed heavily, seeing the growing desperation in the younger man in front of her. "I wish I could make you change your mind. I wish you could realize that we all need you in this, that you're good and, mostly, that you're better than this pathetic version that you're displaying me. You need to do this, for yourself..."

"I don't need anything Hetty, nothing more than I already have here." As an answer, he poured himself another glass of whiskey and gulped it in one sip. "I don't need to do anything... for you, for the team, for anyone. Especially for myself!"

"If only you could see things as they truly are..." Hetty was not able to hide her sadness. "But let me remind you that I'm not here to ask you to help me. I'm here to ask you to help Miss Blye. I know you care for her and that you don't want to see her hurt. Mostly, I know you and even if you hide behind this mask of indifference, you can't change what you are, who you are."

Deeks' lip trembled, his hands clenched into tight fist. His expression hardened and his jaw tightened. "And this is where you are so wrong. I'm not that man you hired years ago. I will never be that man..." There was such a repressed anger and at the same time, angst in his voice, that even Hetty was shocked. "Do you really believe that I can help someone, Hetty? Damn it... I can't even help myself!" If possible, his body started to tremble even more violently. His voice softened, as he closed his eyes fighting the tears. "All I can do is fail... and Kensi needs someone stronger and competent, not a pitiful excuse of a man..." Still shaking, he grabbed the bottle of liquor and drank directly from it.

The Operations Manager felt a pang at her heart. "I don't want to believe that you truly think what you said..." She approached the taller man, attempting to touch him. "Look at me, Mr. Deeks," she told him in a firm and steady tone. "Look at me, please..." Her hand extended, moving towards his arm, looking for his eyes, but the cop reacted strongly.

He retreated from her, wriggling his arm away with fury. "Get out of here, Hetty. I... I can't do what you ask me. I... I simply can't." The tears were watering his orbs. It was a clear sign of the inner battle taking place inside of him, of the pain overwhelming him. "I..." Words died in his throat.

Hetty had to fight not to shed a few tears herself. There was a deep and profound sadness in her heart. She had hoped that she could convince him to come back to them... to get back to life. But things were worse than she had imagined at first. "If this is your last answer, then I cannot do anything other than satisfy your wish," she said, sweetly, without any hint of disappointment or anger. She was aware that this was the last thing that Mr. Deeks needed. "Just remember that you're not alone in this. There's a whole family out there ready to help you and to run to you whenever you need it. We're here for you. Always..." Sighing heavily, casting one last glance at the young man she was so fond of, she turned on her heels and walked out of his apartment.

Deeks stood still for several minutes, unable to move, to do anything. Monty sensed his discomfort and brushed his leg, moaning and yapping, licking him with deep affection.

Once again tears rolled down his cheeks, his legs buckled and he fell to the floor. Burying his face in his hands he started sobbing. "What did I do? Oh God what did I do?" His shoulders were shaking vigorously and he was not able to calm himself. "Oh Kensi, please forgive me... forgive me..."

* * *

"Deeks..."

The voice startled him. He knew it, even if it was distant and muffled, with a note of urgency that unsettled him.

"Deeks..."

The voice insisted, but this time it was feebler and weaker.

"Deeks, please. I need you."

"Kensi? Kensi where are you?" he called as his eyes were fighting the fog engulfing everything, shielding his view.

"Deeks, please... I... it hurts... everything hurts. Please, I need you!"

And suddenly the fog dissipated and she was there, in front of him. "Oh my God, Kensi!" Deeks tried to reach her, but he couldn't move, his body was stuck in that position, nailed down by an invisible force.

"I need you, Deeks," she repeated, her voice nothing more than a whisper. Pain filled her words that barely and with difficulty left her bloodied lips. She was tied to a chair, her arms behind her back. Her lips were split, her face bruised and a cut adorned her cheek. She was there just few meters away, but Deeks was unable to do anything for her.

"Deeks, where are you? I need you... please..." She was begging and Kensi Blye never begged. She was never so weak, so broken.

"I'm here, Kensi, I'm here!" He wanted to scream, but his voice died and nothing came out of his mouth. A tight knot clenched his stomach in a tight vice when he sensed the presence of someone else in the room. A man moved towards his partner, with a steady pace, grinning devilish.

"I don't know anything!" Kensi yelled in the man's face, defiantly, trying to hide her pain. But the stranger didn't have any intention to stop or to be bothered too much by her behavior.

He stood in front of her, grabbing her chin and squeezing it, making her moan in pain. "I don't care what you know or what you don't. I don't care anymore. It's too late for you sweetheart... it's just too late."

Deeks felt a chill ran down his spine, there was something familiar in the man, in the voice... in his drawl. Too familiar.

Kensi's eyes widened in fear when she saw the gun raising, aimed at her forehead. "Deeks..." she murmured once again. "You're the only one who can save me... please Deeks. I need you..."

The stranger laughed out loud at the scene. "See? No one is here to save you... and I'll be the one who will cause your death." He turned to face Deeks, still grinning, enjoying the moment.

The cop froze when he saw his face mirrored in the stranger's... _No, this was not happening... this was not real_, he thought shaking.

Still smiling, the stranger didn't even bother to look at Kensi. He winked at Deeks and then, without hesitation, he pulled the trigger.

"NO!" Deeks shouted, waking up, his breathing labored. His whole body was covered by a bead of sweat and his heart was beating so fast that he thought that it was going to explode. Panic filled every cell, every nerve, every single part of his body. It had seemed so real, so vivid... like he had been there. And Kensi's pleas still resounded in his ears.

Monty licked his master's hand, looking at him with his big, intelligent and knowing eyes.

"I... I am killing her buddy. It's my fault... she's going to die because of me..." the cop murmured feebly, without any control over his body. He felt the urge to get up from the cold floor he was still sitting on, but as he tried to do it, dizziness caught him and a wave of nausea contorted his stomach. He couldn't help himself and, turning his face on the other side just in time, he threw up, then retched dry heaves.

He didn't know how long it lasted, but when he was finally done, he crawled toward the table where his phone lay. With trembling fingers he searched through his contacts and fighting another flash of sickness, he dialed the number.

A familiar voice answered, knowing who was calling her. "Mr. Deeks, what can I do for you?" Hetty asked, not too surprised to hear from him.

"I will do it, Hetty. I... I will do it for Kensi..." Deeks didn't wait for a reply. He closed the communication and asking a great effort to his drained body, he got up and walked towards the bathroom.

Kensi needed him and he was not going to let her wait any longer. "Please hold on, Fern. I'm coming... please, don't you die on me. Please..."

* * *

The sun was rising and Los Angeles was slowly waking up. Street lamps were turned off and people were starting their day, getting up, driving their cars to work, going to school. Living.

The silent, lonely figure walking down the road was trying to start living as well. He was trying to put the pieces of his life together because probably the most important part of his shattered life was in danger and needed him. This was the only thought that kept Marty Deeks going, the only thing that kept him focused.

He stopped his pacing, leaning against a wall as support. His hand reached for the bottle of pills in his pocket. Two pills found their way to his mouth. He gulped them with the help of a sip of liquor coming from a flask that magically appeared out of his jacket. The cop knew this was completely wrong, the pills, the booze… all of this, but, sadly, it was what he had to do if he wanted to help Kensi. There would be a time to face the consequences, but now he had to keep going.

This whole situation was not easy for him after spending so much time at home, buried in such a depressed state. It had been a shock to his system to do a complete turnaround and force himself back into 'undercover cop' mode.

Deeks observed his hands. They were shaking violently, without any control. He passed one of them through his long hair, but the simple gesture didn't calm him down. It just added more frustration. How could he do it? He couldn't even hold a gun to protect himself or his partner. How could he walk into the lion's den, pretending to be one hell of a son of a bitch like Max Gentry?

The flask of booze made another appearance and he drank avidly, to give himself some strength, but it probably made things even worse. Images of the dream flashed in front of his eyes, Kensi's pleading voice filled his ears… he leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes and taking a long, deep breath. "You can do it, man… you can do it," he tried to convince himself as Hetty's words resounded in his mind. "_You are the only one who could do this job, Mr. Deeks. You can, because you're very good. You have only to convince yourself. We are all counting on you… we all trust you in this. All of us, especially Miss Blye"._ Damn that little ninja of a woman! She always knew what buttons to press when it came to him and bringing Kensi's name up was the right thing to do, because he would do anything for his partner. If only he didn't shut her off the last time they had met, maybe…

_"Stop it!"_ he yelled to himself, slamming his head against the wall, as he wanted to shake himself for the pitiful state he was slowly slipping into. "Get yourself together and go get her!"

Fighting the physical weariness and the emptiness in his mind, Deeks forced himself to walk and slowly headed towards his destination.

It took him almost an hour to get to the place he was looking for, when it usually should have taken him not more than twenty minutes, but in the end, here he was, standing outside Watford's club. He stretched his neck, tilting his head left and right, took another sip from his flask. The show must begin… Marty Deeks was going to disappear and Max Gentry was coming to life. He hated this, even if he knew it was necessary. The cop inhaled deeply, a long labored breath, closing his eyes. When he finally reopened them, there was no trace of compassion anymore… and he was one of the worst bastards he had ever met. "Show time," he muttered, aware that the team was listening to him from the microphone Hetty gave him for his safety. Then he banged at the door.

A few minutes later someone showed up behind the slot-shaped spyhole. "We're closed," the voice said gruffly.

"I need to talk to Mr. Watford," Deeks replied in the firmest tone he could manage.

"I said we're closed, so you better get lost!"

With a quick movement that surprised even himself, the cop took out his gun and pointed it at the man's face. "I said that I need to talk to Mr. Watford. Tell him that Max is here!"

The spyhole closed, leaving a trembling Deeks outside, still holding his gun, waiting. The rush of adrenaline had surely helped him, but he didn't know how long he will be able to hold himself up.

After what seemed a lifetime, the door opened and the same man showed up in his whole figure. He was a big man, a little too fat for the cop's taste, but obviously well-built and mean. A typical Watford man.

"This way. Mr. Watford is waiting for you."

The cop followed him down the stairs that lead to the empty club. The place was richly decorated, with expensive tapestry and paintings. The paint on the wall was red and brown, with hint of gold here and there. It hadn't changed too much since the last time he had been here.

When they finally arrived at the bar, Deeks took note of the men sitting at various tables. There was one in every corner of the big room. They were all well-armed, even if they tried to look nonchalantly. He felt eyes on him and sensed the suspicion coming from all of them. It was only when a small man, in his fifties, bald and with thick glasses, approached him, welcoming him warmly, that everyone relaxed.

"Max!" Terrence Watford rushed towards him, offering his hand to shake. "I've been looking for you for a week." Even if the behavior of the small man seemed very friendly, his voice was poisonous and treacherous.

Deeks broke the contact and pushed the little man away. "You slimy bastard!" He yelled angrily seeing Watford's men tense and reach for their guns. "Thanks to your insistence, the Feds got me locked up for almost a week! You know how much I hate them and their interrogations! They grilled me for days, asking me questions about you!"

Terrence's little eyes narrowed, the green of his orbs became even paler.

"Be glad I didn't know anything about your business…" The cop grinned cunningly, before grabbing a glass of whiskey standing on the table and gulping it avidly. The amber liquor burnt his throat as he closed his eyes, hoping that his trembling went unnoticed.

Watford lifted an eyebrow skeptically, then burst out laughing. "You rat bastard! For a moment, I thought you were serious!" He gestured to Max to sit down, taking a seat himself, pouring another glass of whiskey for the two of them. "I have a situation on my hands and I need your help."

Deeks sat heavily in the offered chair, biting his lip nervously. "A situation?" he wondered, curiously.

"I was contacting you because I have a big stash of weapons, military, high grade and I need to place them, but it seems the air is not clean around. I need someone who has the right friends, who doesn't hesitate when it comes to using his gun to kill someone…" Watford explained, calmly. His kind appearance disappeared completely and his expression hardened, becoming cold and mercilessly. "I need you in this Max. You are the right person for this job… and I can assure you that if I'm going to make the deal, you'd be good for a long time."

"How much money are we talking about?" The cop took another sip from his glass, pretending to be interested, but keeping a cool and distant stare, like a real bastard like Max would do.

Terrence smiled happily. "Enough for you to retire and enjoy those whores you like to fuck for the rest of your life! I don't think you would have kicked the habit…" He winked, gingerly.

"I can never have enough of that kind of fun!" Deeks locked his blue eyes on Watford's green ones; even if he was smirking, his stare was serious and grave.

"That's my boy!" Terrence patted the cop's shoulder, but he regretted immediately.

Deeks' body became rigid at the touch. Max didn't like to be touched, but this time it was not about him. It was about Deeks, who couldn't stand it. It reminded him of the time in which Sidorov placed his vicious hands on his shoulders, asking over and over the same question, and it sent chills down his spine. The cop swallowed, fighting the bile rising up through his throat and with a quick gesture, he grabbed the other man's wrist, twisting it. "You should know the rule!"

A couple of men sitting at a closer table got up abruptly and un-holstered their guns, aiming them at him. As an answer, the cop took out his weapon and pointed it at Watford's face, smiling. "They shoot me, you're dead."

Terrence gestured to his men to put the guns down. "It's ok, everything is ok. This was just a little misunderstanding…"

Deeks let him go as soon as his goons did what their boss asked. "Clearly a misunderstanding."

Watford panted, rubbing his aching shoulder and wrist. "You haven't changed a single bit, Max," he said as a little smile crept over his lips. "And this is exactly why I needed you…" He paused a little, waiting for his heartbeat to slow down a little. "So, are you in?"

The cop tilted his head, smirking. He picked up the glass of liquor and lifted it in the air. "What do you think?"

Terrence Watford sighed in relief. He was a very powerful man, with a lot of business going on and a lot of men hanging off his words, but a man like Max Gentry scared him and made him uneasy. "I think we're in business…"

Without saying anything, Deeks lifted his glass and waited for the other man to join him in a toast.

"Now that we have set things, I have another issue I would like to discuss with you," continued Watford, leaning against the back of his chair.

The blond detective tensed, sensing that he was finally getting to the reason of his presence here. "Shoot…" he simply said.

"I was a little bit short handed lately here at the club, so I hired a couple of new girls, you know the drill… hot women ready to be very available and open with my clients and guests, especially the most important ones…"

Deeks' stomach turned upside down, knowing exactly what Watford was talking about since he had tasted first hand some of those girls and the idea that Kensi had to do that, to win her way in this place, made him sick. "You have always the finest girls…" he muttered, pretending to be clearly aroused. His tongue licked his lips as he was imagining himself with one of the girls.

"Well, this girl showed up. You should have seen her Max, long wavy hair, tanned skin, legs that never end… I bet she's your type…"

The cop cringed at the other man's words, but he tried to act nonchalantly, even if his anxiety was growing and he felt his body lose the control. His trembling increased.

Terrence studied him intently, surprised to see Max so unsettled. "Are you ok? You look a bit… off…"

_Of course I'm off you little son of a bitch!_ Deeks yelled in his mind, but played cool. "I… I think I got a bug while I was in that filthy cell those Feds threw me into!" He spat on the ground with disgust.

Watford smiled, positioning his glasses up on his nose. "Oh well, maybe I can do something to make you feel better then…"

"What do you mean?" Deeks narrowed his eyes, not very eager to hear his answer.

"Because I caught that hot chick snooping around… I bet she's a cop or something. Maybe a Fed…" The little man explained triumphantly. "I have her down in the basement and in spite of my men's attempt to get anything from her, she is not talking…"

The detective's heart crumbled to pieces while Watford talked about Kensi. She was alive at least, but just the idea of Terrence's men trying to make her talk, made him furious. And sick. But once again, he needed to play his part. He was Max here, not Deeks. Max was cruel and a perfect son of a bitch, someone who hated the cops and the Feds more than anything. He was someone who didn't care for anyone else except himself. Authority simply drove him mad. His eyes sparkled and an evil grin brightened his devilish expression. "I can have a turn with her then… I can get my personal revenge of what that bloody Feds put me through last week!"

Watford laughed out loud, pleased. "This is exactly what I was hoping for. I know what you're capable of, Max and I think this bitch is exactly your taste. If someone can tame her, well… that's you. Come with me…"

Deeks followed the other man down the stairs that lead to the basement. His heart was beating madly in his chest and his head was pounding. He felt his legs failing him, but he knew he had to be strong, that he needed to hold himself together. His hands were shaking but he tried to hide it, placing them in his pockets. His forehead was covered with sweat, but he steadied his voice. "I don't want anyone around while I'm questioning her…" he grinned cunningly.

"You want to have all the fun alone?! Naughty boy…"

"Just do what I say… You know I don't like interruptions when I'm doing my job," the cop insisted, sounding very mean.

Watford beckoned to his men guarding the door of the basement and they left. "She's all yours, Max…" he nodded satisfied, happy to have this man on board. He trusted his methods, having witnessed them several times in the past. "Have fun!" Stopping himself from patting Max's shoulder, he followed his men upstairs.

Deeks unlocked the door and slowly opened. He was not ready for what he was going to see. Seeing Kensi hurt was the last thing he wanted to face. He simply hated seeing her hurt, emotionally and physically. Once his eyes adjusted to the feeble light, he finally had a glimpse of her. The scene was exactly the same as he dreamt about. She was tied to a chair with her head bent over. Her lips were split and bloodied, there were bruises that adorned her beautiful face. One of her eyes was swollen and partially closed.

Sensing a presence in the room, Kensi lifted her head and her face couldn't hide the shock. "Deeks?" she asked, confused. When he didn't reply but simply stared at her, unable to move, she insisted, "Deeks, please… I need your help…"

This was too much. This was exactly like his dream. Deeks couldn't hold it any longer. His stomach contorted in pain, a wave of nausea hit him like a truck and he couldn't do anything other than fall to his knees and throw up.

* * *

I'll be away on vacation for a couple of weeks, so if I won't find a free wi-fi connection, I won't be able to post the next chapters. I hope you won't hate me (too much) and won't forget about this story ;)

See you soon!


	4. Chapter 4

Hello there! Greeting from Denmark!

As I promised, here I am with wi-fi connection and with a new chapter!

As always big thanks to Xwing12 because her help is simply too precious for me! And another big thanks to everyone who reviewed, followed or favorited this story.

* * *

Someone to carry you - Chapter 4

He coughed and retched, unable to stop. The effort of continuing on, keeping the mask up of the sick bastard Max, was really taking a toll on him. It was weighing down on his shoulders, turning his stomach upside down. He couldn't remember the last time he ate or slept. His whole body was suddenly feeling tired, too tired.

But then the familiar, even if extremely weak, voice called him again, "Deeks…"

The cop lifted his head, wiping away the remains of saliva and bile with his trembling hand. "Kensi… oh God…" he murmured, using all of his energy left to get up and walk closer to check on her, assessing her injuries. "How… how are you?" he asked, passing his shaking fingers over her bruised face, careful not to hurt her.

"I'm fine…" she whispered, feebly. Talking took away most of her strength and she had to pause and take a long breath. Her broken ribs were excruciating.

She had received several severe beatings, but Deeks was relieved to find her clothes still in place. They were bloody and filthy, but at least they were still there.

"Sorry, but… that line doesn't work with me. You should know that by now." He caressed her cheek gently and his eyes tore down. "I'm… I'm so sorry, Kens… I… I should have come sooner. I… I shouldn't have let you come here…"

"Sshhtt, it's ok. We'll talk about this later… what's the plan?" Kensi was trying to hide the pain she was in, focusing on her partner's face, on his gentle touch, but it was hard. She had been surprised to see him step through the door, but she was mostly relieved that it was not another one of Watford's goons. She knew him well enough to realize and could also see that he was on the edge of going to pieces.

"Actually… I didn't exactly have one. I… I only knew I had to get in here and take you home." The cop smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Perfect…" Kensi rolled her eyes, slightly disappointed. She had hoped that the cavalry was outside, ready to jump into action, but the more she looked at Deeks, the more she realized that this was not going to happen anytime soon. "Where are the guys?"

"Callen and Sam couldn't get in since they managed to blow their covers and Watford's men have the perimeters down tight," his voice couldn't hide a hint of sarcasm. He couldn't believe that two experienced operatives made such a stupid mistake, leaving Kensi alone and allowing the bad guys to capture her. "They are close, but not close enough. Lets' say that we're on our own in this, Fern…"

Her heart melted hearing Deeks use the familiar nickname. It gave her a sense of normality that she had missed so much. "Can you untie me at least?"

"Yes, but if I do that, you have to act like things are getting rough inside here. Terrence sent me to you to have some fun and to get some information from you. He said I'm the man who could do this job…" The cop ground his teeth at the thought. "I think he's the only one who completely trusts me…" he chuckled bitterly.

Kensi struggled in her bindings at his words, trying to get rid of them. Man she wanted to punch her partner so badly for being such an idiot. "Deeks, don't you dare say it again! You idiot!"

"Nice way to show Max your love…" Fighting his shaking hands, he started untying her. "Are you ready to put on a show?"

Once her arms were finally free, Kensi almost collapsed in Deeks' embrace, landing on his chest right where he welcomed her. "I'm not… very up to this, but I don't think I have any other choice."

The cop could see that she was in pain, much more than she wanted to show. He tried to put her on her feet, to move her towards the wall where she could lean against it, but her legs failed her and he had to support her once again. "Not so badass now?" he joked, allowing a hint of irony to fill his voice.

"Shut up, Deeks, I can always kill you in ten different ways without even using that gun of yours…" she regretted immediately her choice of words, but she was surprised, almost shocked, when he didn't give her any witty remark. "Deeks, it's not your fault," she told him gently, looking at him straight in the eyes. "And thanks… I… I know how hard it is for you to be here."

Once again, he didn't even attempt to open his mouth and reply. He helped her lay on the floor and then checked on her wounds. The cop put his hand on her ribcage and she immediately hissed in pain, shutting her eyes.

"Aahh," she almost screamed, not able to contain herself.

Deeks' expression changed, hardened as he talked, loudly, "Oh come on, you little bitch! I haven't even started!" he laughed devilishly.

Kensi got the hint and played along, allowing him to check her other injuries in the meantime. "Please, no… no…" she pleaded, using the most pitiful begging tone.

"Gah, I hate when you little whores are so pathetic!" he continued, biting his lip at the sight of her hurt body. He knew that he couldn't do anything to made her feel better or take proper care of her wounds, but then he remembered that he still had his flask. "Drink this… it will numb the pain a little," he said softly.

The NCSI agent grabbed it from him, taking a long sip. "Thanks," she repeated.

"Kensi, keep going… keep talking, moaning, begging…. Please… We need to be convincing."

As an answer, she started tearing up her shirt and skirt, screaming in a mix of agony and terror. "No! Please stop!"

Deeks' eyes widened and felt very bad, but he went on. "Don't you like it, you little bitch?" and he moaned, with pleasure.

They went on like that for more than half an hour, when finally the cop decided it was over. It couldn't take him any longer to do his business or Watford would be suspicious. Max was the kind of man that got what he wanted and got it quickly. He caressed her face, gently, kissing the top of her head, with so much kindness that Kensi was left speechless.

"Everything will be ok, Kens. I… I'll take care of everything and I won't allow anyone else to touch you. You… you have to trust me, but…"

She silenced him, putting a finger on his lips. "I always trusted you, Deeks and I… I am not going to stop now." She gave him a soft and tender smile and, finally, he smiled back. It was a little hint of a smile, but a small sign that the old Deeks was still there.

"I… I have to tie your hands now, though, just in case… but, you can stay here, not on that chair…" He paused, sighing heavily and collecting the rope they had used to secure her on the chair. "I… I will get you out, Kens. I promise you…"

Kensi didn't hesitate, even though she was tired, beat and exhausted, she managed to reply to him, firmly. "I know." She wanted him to be reassured. She knew he needed it, more than she needed it herself.

Out of instinct, losing himself in her mesmerizing gaze, Deeks leaned towards her and kissed her, gently and carefully, not to cause her any further pain. "I… I will be back. Soon…" He got up, stretched his sore muscles and tilted his head left and right. He moved back into Max's character, he unzipped his pants and pissed in a corner.

Kensi observed him transitioning from her gentle, but broken, partner, to Max Gentry, the sick bastard, the uncaring son of a bitch. Even in his depressed state, he was able to make the change so smoothly. It was natural to him. It was his talent… and probably, his curse. "Deeks…" she called, watching him move towards the door. When he didn't answer she tried again. "Max…"

He turned to look at her, his expression hard and tough, his features confident as usual even if his eyes were veiled and tired.

"Be careful," she told him.

Deeks grabbed the doorknob, fighting the trembling in his hand and without saying a single word or giving her a single gesture, he stepped through the door, closing it behind him.

The basement fell into darkness and for the first time in days, Kensi allowed herself to slip into oblivion.

* * *

As he walked out of the basement, Deeks pretended to fix his pants, grinning satisfied as Watford approached him anxiously.

"You were right, that bitch is exactly what I like. She's feisty…" he said, smiling devilishly, wiping away the blood he still had on his lips after kissing Kensi. "…and tasty."

"Told you," Terrence stated as he watched Max taking a long sip from his flask. "So…"

"She's a Fed, as you suspected." The cop knew that there was no sense in lying and frankly, he was so tired, so exhausted that he didn't even find a suitable lie to say. So what better than the truth? "She told me that she's been sent to investigate on your gun traffic, but, sadly for her and lucky for you, she didn't manage to find anything. Your men caught her in time."

"And do you believe her? If she was lying and she contacted those bastards, we would be screwed." Watford was a bit uneasy at the idea that the Feds had found a way into his club, into his organization.

Deeks laughed out loud, once again fixing his pants. "Oh believe me, after the Max Gentry treatment, she would have sold her own mother…"

Terrence sighed a bit relieved. He trusted Max blindly, trusted his abilities, his determination and cruelty. The young man was a son of a bitch, with no soul and no heart. "Good, very good. I will let my men get rid of her now that we don't have any use for her anymore."

The cop's blood froze. "NO!" he yelled, a bit too quickly, hoping that Watford didn't realize his slip. He took a long breath and smiled, evilly. "I have something planned for her… I haven't finished with her. As I said, she's feisty… and you owe me, man, for that week I spent with the Feds." His eyes were as cold as ice as he spoke with a steady tone that didn't give the older man a chance to reply.

There was something in Max's voice that chilled Watford's bones. Something that told him not to cross the blond man. "Ok, she's all yours."

"And if I find that any of your men lays a hand on her, I will kill them all, tearing their skin apart." He continued, without taking his glance away from the smaller man as he towered over him. "She's mine." He tried to be as firm as he could, fighting the shaking that was threatening his whole body. Then, suddenly, he smiled, flashing one of those smiles that were Deeks' trademark. "Deal?"

Terrence relaxed visibly and released the breath he was holding. "Deal."

"Good, very good." The cop took another sip of whiskey, swallowing hard and hoping that this gesture un-knotted the lump clenching his throat and stomach. "Now, back to our business. I need to know every detail if you want me to help you sell those weapons."

"Right, you're right. Come with me upstairs." Watford climbed the flight of stairs, followed by Deeks who was trying to get his headache under control. Once they reached the bar, they sat at one of the tables. "I need you to set up a place for the exchange. If the Feds are on me, I can't let it happen here or at any of my places. I know you can sort it out… soon. I want this deal to end as soon as possible so I can leave the country for a while and wait for the waters to settle. Do you think you can make the arrangement? Like today?"

"Today? Are you kidding me? I can do magic, but miracles? I don't know…" The cop's mind was working, thinking about a way to give the other man the idea that he had everything under control, that he could do whatever Watford was asking of him.

"Look, later tonight, one of the buyers will be here. It will be an informal meeting, but I want to give him all the information about the exchange. It will be beneficial for all of us."

Deeks smiled. Yes, it was beneficial for all of them. The sooner he could close this bloody operation, the sooner he would be able to get Kensi out of here. She needed medical treatment and he couldn't stand the idea of her being secluded in that filthy basement for any longer. "Ok, I will do my best… Just give me a couple of hours." He hesitated, pouring himself a glass of whiskey from an expensive bottle Terrence had placed on the table. "And maybe another round with that tasty bitch…"

Watford burst out laughing. "That's my boy, Max Gentry! This is why I always liked doing business with you!" He made a toast with his glass, grinning like a child on Christmas morning.

The cop gulped the liquor, allowing it to burn his throat, mentally preparing for what was going to happen. "Ok, I need to make a couple of phone calls." He got up and moved outside the club, looking for a bit of privacy. He dialed a familiar number and Eric answered his call. "Eric, is the place ready?"

"Yes, everything is set," the tech told him, unable to hide his anxiety. He was a bit afraid of this silent and the non-joking version of Deeks. "Deeks, how's Kensi?"

"She's… she's fine." Deeks stated, lying. "Ok, thanks man, I have to go." Without waiting for any reply, he closed the communication and walked back inside the club, wearing his best, satisfied smile. "Everything is set." He picked up a napkin and wrote down an address. "Send some of your men to check the place."

A satisfied expression brightened Watford's face. His green eyes sparkled behind his glasses. "I always knew that I could count on you. Now go have some fun. We still have some time to kill… before tonight." He got up and left, leaving Deeks immersed in his thoughts.

The cop passed a hand through his hair, unable to stop the trembling. He rummaged through his pockets and took out the bottle of pills. "Damn it!" he cursed as he brought a couple to his mouth and swallowed them with another sip of liquor. Then, inhaling deeply, hoping to collect himself, he headed to the basement.

When he walked inside, he found Kensi unconscious. Her breathing was a bit labored and her skin hot to touch. He didn't want to wake her up, knowing that she needed to rest as much as she could in this situation. Gently, he guided her into his embrace, holding her tightly. "I will get you out of here, I promise you. Even if this is the last thing I do… I will get you home…" He tenderly stroked her hair, plastered with sweat and blood, kissing the top of her head. "I'll keep you safe. You have my word…"

* * *

Night came too quickly for Deeks. He would have preferred to have spent more time with Kensi. He had been with her down in the basement the entire time, until someone banged at the door, calling for him. She hadn't woken up, not for a moment and this worried him a little. Her temperature was rising and this was not a good sign.

He forced himself to think that after tonight, he would convince Watford that he wanted to get rid of her, personally, so maybe he would be able to get her to the hospital. But for now, he was stuck, in this place.

Terrence wanted Max at his side during the meeting with the buyer and the cop couldn't do anything other than please him. So to sober up a little, he went to the restroom, washed his face and took another pill. In the process he saw his reflection in the mirror. Who was this man? The disheveled hair, the beard, the dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. Nothing reminded him of the man he once was. A man that was probably lost forever.

He splashed the cold water on his face again and then finally joined Watford at the bar. "So, who's the man?"

"Just a man." Terrence said, offering a shot of liquor that Deeks didn't refuse, just to stay in character. Max liked to drink and never refused a glass. "Let's say he's a bit of… free-lance according to my information. He makes deals for whoever pays him the right price."

"Very trustworthy…" the cop snorted ironically.

"Reminds me of someone I know," Watford added, narrowing his green eyes and locking his stare on the younger man standing in front of him.

"I bet he's not as good looking as I am, though." Deeks' voice became low and cold as he slammed the glass on the table.

"I reckon you might be right, Maxie boy…"

The cop hated the way Terrence used the nickname he gave him. It had been a while that he had heard it, but the hatred for it was still there. "You know I hate that name."

"And that is why I like to use it…." Watford took off his glasses and cleaned them. "I want you sharp. I want you focused. This is too important, ok? Get that whore out of your mind and do your job. And don't be surprised. I am a good judge of character and I saw the way you were carrying yourself when you got out of that basement. She's a fucking bitch, a Fed, don't forget it!"

Blood boiled in Deeks' veins as he heard the words that Terrence used to describe Kensi. He tilted his head left and right, stretching his sore neck, clenching his fists. "Oh don't worry. I am not going to forget about it and tomorrow I will take care of her…" He smiled foxily, licking his lips.

The older man chuckled, amused. "Maxie, Maxie Boy…" and then he burst out laughing.

They waited another hour in one of the private rooms of the club, when finally one of Watford's men knocked at the door, announcing the arrival of their guests.

"Good, very good. Max, go get the barman and tell him to bring a couple of bottles of my champagne and alert some of the girls. I want to treat my guests in the best way as possible…"

Deeks nodded and stepped outside. He could hear in the distance the sound of footsteps approaching. He wanted to wait and take a look at the newcomers, but he felt Watford's eyes on him, so he had to go do what he had been ordered to do.

As he was coming back, after he had fulfilled his assigned task, his senses started screaming, alerting him that something bad was about to happen. He heard voices coming from the private room, people talking and laughing. Something was wrong… something… the accent, he knew that accent. No… it was not possible, It was…

He walked into the room and froze, recognizing one of the men. Images and memories flashed in front of his eyes and, for a moment, he was paralyzed.

One of the men talking and enjoying Watford's company got up abruptly, un-holstering his gun and pointing it at the cop. "What the hell is he doing here?"

"Mr. Zirov, what's up? What are you talking about?" Terrence got up himself, startled as he saw Max taking out his gun as well. "Max?" He wondered puzzled.

Deeks swallowed hard as Michael Zirov, one of Sidorov's first hands stood in front of him. The barrel of his gun aimed at his head.

"He's a cop, you idiot!" The Russian shouted angrily.

"Oh come on, Terrence. Who are you going to believe?" Deeks licked his lips, nervously, trying to keep his voice steady and his hand from shaking too evidently. "A man who you have just met or me?"

"I swear that he's a cop!" Zirov continued, smiling evilly. "Why don't you ask him how did his last visit to the dentist go?"

The cop's face paled and for a moment he felt dizzy as his mind was bombarded with images and the pain exploded in his mouth, as a reflex.

"Max?" Terrence looked at the blond man in front of him, narrowing his eyes, seeing the change in his behavior, sensing that something was happening.

"He's lying, Terrence…" Deeks' voice didn't sound convincing, not even to his own ears.

"Oh yes, I'm lying," the Russian whispered maliciously. "Why don't you check his abdomen… I think you'll find a fresh scar… exactly where my old friend Mikhail cut him deeply with his knife…"

The cop saw Watford beckon to a couple of his men and in that precise moment, he knew that he was screwed. Moving as quickly as he could manage in his condition, he knocked down the first goon approaching him. He then tried to get out of the room. All hell broke loose and bullets started ricocheting in the air. Deeks hit another one of Terrence's men, killing him instantly, but he was outnumbered and in the worst position ever, pinned against the wall, hiding behind a shelf, with a couple of thugs blocking his way to the exit. Even if he was able to take them down, Watford, Zirov and his men could easily shoot him. He closed his eyes, trying to take away the bad memories that were still haunting him, when Kensi's face appeared in front of him. No… he couldn't give up. He had promised her that he would take her home. He then remembered that he still had his mic on, so maybe back up was on its way, Sam, Callen and a tactical squad might be here soon. He had to resist a little longer.

The cop peaked out from behind the furniture he was using as a shield and shot a couple of bullets into another goon, but sadly, by doing so, he exposed himself to the fire of his opponents.

Pain exploded in his shoulder as a bullet coming from Zirov's weapon hit him. His own gun slipped to the floor, leaving him unarmed. He closed his eyes, fighting the sudden agony… The room started spinning as he slid down to the ground and before he realized it, he felt a couple of strong arms pulling him to his feet.

Terrence Watford approached him. His face filled with anger and fury, but mostly with disappointment and betrayal. "A cop?" He pressed his gun to the bullet wound, happy to see the blond detective hiss in pain. "You will pay for this… Max…"

"You can go to hell, Terrence. Soon this place will be swarming with cops and feds… you're done, Terry boy." Deeks muttered between ground teeth.

Watford's reaction was vehement. He pistol whipped the cop, grabbing his hair. "Well, in this way, I'll bury you in this place… you and that little bitch down in the basement!" He beckoned to his goons, firmly. "Take him down with that whore of a Fed and then rig this whole place… it will go down with a boom!"

The last thing that Deeks heard before blacking out was Terrence's laugh that simply chilled his bones…

* * *

And this is all for now... New chapter will be up as soon as possible!


	5. Chapter 5

And here I am again... with a new and final chapter of this story.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it (ok, it almost wrote by itself)

A big thanks to you all and to my wonderful Xwing12, she's so kind to keep up with me and my madness! LOL!

* * *

Someone to carry you - Chapter 5

Kensi awoke to hear gunshots and a great commotion coming from upstairs. Her head was pounding and she could feel her whole body shaking violently because of the raging fever.

She had some distant memories, or rather, more like sensations of Deeks' presence beside her, whispering soothing words, putting his gentle lips on her forehead. But maybe it was just a dream due to her weakened state.

She tried to find a more comfortable position, but at the first attempt of moving, her ribcage screamed in agony and everything began spinning and unfocused. It took her a while to get her labored breathing under control and once the pounding in her ears stopped, she could distinctively hear the sound of people approaching. It was a strange sound, different to the one she was used to hearing. It was like something was being dragged down the stairs, something heavy.

The door flew open and the sudden light almost blinded her.

Something was brought inside by two men… no, not something, someone - Deeks!

"Get yourself comfy, cop… enjoy your last moments in this world!" A gruff, deep voice said, before the two men walked outside and the door closed behind them.

Kensi allowed her eyes to be accustomed to the darkness again. She then called for her partner, who was lying on his side, almost unmoving. "Deeks? Deeks, answer me…" She was not expecting his reaction. She was not expecting to hear him cry.

"I'm sorry, Kens… I'm so sorry. I… I failed you… again…" he sobbed as his whole body shook intensely.

"What the hell are you talking about?" the injured agent asked her partner with a feeble voice. She wanted to crawl towards him, but she didn't have the energy. When she didn't see him move or react, she asked, "Deeks, talk to me… are you ok? Please answer me…"

Her concerned tone was like a wake-up call for the cop, who collected himself and, with a great effort, put himself into a sitting position, before slowly moving towards his partner. "I'm good, Fern… I'm good." He positioned himself next her, so she could finally have a clear view of her in spite of the feeble light coming from the small light on the ceiling.

"Good? Hell, Deeks, what happened to you?" She noticed the cut on his cheek first then the huge amount of blood on his shoulder. "Oh my God… the gunshots… I… you've been hit!"

He didn't even address her question, but leaned his head against the wall guiding her with her good arm towards him. "Watford had a meeting with a man working for the buyer. He wanted me at his side… Too bad the guest was Zirov, Sidorov's henchman. It seems that he had already found a replacement for his old boss after escaping when you rescued us."

"Oh no!" Kensi could sense the overwhelming emotions that were running through her partner's body. Not only had he come here to save her using the alias he hated the most, but he had to face one of the men who hurt him so deeply, that had turned his life into a living hell.

"They are going to blow this place," Deeks cringed in pain as he shifted his weight to allow her to come closer to his body, but he ignored it, feeling comforted by her closeness. "I heard Watford ordering his men to rig the place… I… I don't know if the guys will be here in time…" His voice cracked a little as a new shiver ran down his back. The blood loss was starting to affect him, making him lightheaded.

She tensed, but didn't move from her position. She had longed to be in his arms for months and now that she was exactly where she wanted to be, even if in this dreadful situation, she didn't want to break the contact with him. "They will get here in time. I know… They won't let anything happen to us."

"To you, maybe. I'm not so sure if they care that much for me…" Strangely, the dizziness loosened his tongue and he spoke more freely.

"Why do you always do that, Deeks? They care for me as much as they care for you. Why don't you realize that? Why do you always beat yourself up so much?" Her voice was barely a whisper, but she felt she had to talk to him. It could be her last chance and she didn't want to miss it. If they were going to die, she wanted him to die knowing that he was respected, cared… loved. She owed him that at least. She hesitated a moment, collecting her energy, and then she continued talking. "I am sorry, Deeks. I… I should have never let you go away, I shouldn't have let you leave… I should have come to see you sooner, not only when Hetty needed you. I truly meant what I told you that day when I came to your apartment. You're too important to me and I was stupid not to realize it before."

He didn't reply, touched by her words. He was well aware that Kensi was not a person who showed her emotions so easily, so seeing her here, broken and beaten, but telling him those words, deeply touched him. His throat was dry and he couldn't find anything to tell her, so he simply tightened the grip on her body, guiding her even closer to him.

"I wish we could have the opportunity,to erase everything we said or everything we didn't say, because, I missed you, Deeks. I feel like someone took away the best part of me and believe me when I say, the guys miss you too. You're family and family always sticks together, in good and bad times…" Kensi was slowly losing the battle against consciousness, but she was not giving up so easily. "You have to make me a promise…"

"Another one?" He chuckled, shaking his head, regretting it immediately when the room started spinning and he saw three different versions of his partner.

Kensi ignored his remark and continued. "Promise me that if we will make it out of here, you'll think about it, you'll think about what I told you… and you will think about coming back to the team, to NCIS… to me… I need you, Deeks. I need you at my side, every day…" Her voice was so feeble, almost child-like, and that broke his heart.

Deeks saw a little tear rolling down her cheek and he couldn't stop himself from allowing his own tears to fall as well. He wiped her tears away, gently, with his thumbs.

"I'm not asking you to come back, but just to think about coming back… can you do that? For me… and for you, because I know you missed us too…"

The cop sighed heavily, unable to control his mind or his body. "I… am not good for you Kens, look… you're here because of me… because I am a failure. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I can't stand seeing you hurt and in pain. It… it kills me, because I care too much for you… because I love you too much…"

"You didn't do this…" Kensi was exhausted, in pain, but she was still fighting for him. She wished he could open his eyes to see the reality of the things. "But maybe if you were with me from the beginning, it would have been better… you never let me down, Deeks. You always protected me… you always saved me… Don't leave me, Deeks, please… don't leave me again," she whispered weakly, before slipping into unconsciousness. She was too drained to resist any longer. The only thing Deeks could do was hold her, allowing her head to rest on his chest. He gently stroked her hair and caress her hand that rested on his lap. He was so exhausted himself; the stress of the situation, the blood loss, the fight he had to do with himself to stay focused, to kick himself and go on; It was all simply too much. He closed his eyes to rest a little. "I'm not gonna leave you, Kens. We'll be together… until the end." His lips tenderly found hers in a sweet, soft kiss. "See you soon, Kens… See you soon," he murmured before falling into oblivion.

The echoes of gunshots and the shouts of different loud voices woke them both simultaneously, with a start. They didn't know how much time had passed. Their brains were engulfed by a thick fog.

Kensi's head was still comfortably resting on his chest, right over his heart. The rapid and irregular heartbeat pounded in her ears.

"What's happening?" Her voice was nothing more than a feeble whisper, it would be almost inaudible if she wasn't so close to him.

Deeks straightened himself up, wincing when he put some weight on his arm and the pain reverberated through his wounded shoulder. He bit his lip to fight the sudden flash of agony as he tried to listen carefully to what was happening on the other side of the door.

Federal Agents, stop! He heard in the distance. It sounded like Sam's deep voice.

"They're here, Kensi… they're here!" He almost shouted, barely containing his excitement. "We need to let them know where we are… let me get up." He wriggled from her embrace, feeling immediately like something was missing. The whole room spun, almost out of control, but the cop steadied himself, leaning against the rough wall. Then, unsteady on his trembling legs, he walked towards the door and started banging on it. "Sam! Callen! We're down here!" He screamed with all of his strength, realizing though that it was nothing more than a strangled cry.

Kensi saw him turning towards her and smiling, she shook her head. "Don't count on me…" she murmured, closing her eyes to allow the wave of pain to pass. Talking was tough and was hurting her cracked or, worse, broken ribs.

Just the sight of his partner in such a weak and weary state gave him some extra strength and extra energy. "Callen! Sam!" This time his words resounded loud and clear. "Over here!"

Nothing happened for several long endless moments in which he tried again to call his teammates. Then, when he felt like he couldn't go on any further, when his legs were starting to buckle, the sound of heavy footsteps reached the inside of the basement.

"Kensi, Deeks!" Callen called with a hint of apprehension.

"In here!" the cop responded as loud as he could.

Finally, the door burst open and the familiar figures of Callen and Sam rushed inside. Worry was clearly written on their faces.

Relieved to see them, Deeks leaned against the wall and allowed his body to slide down, sitting heavily on the ground right next to Kensi. "About time you showed up..."

The two senior agents knelt in front of them, checking their injuries with a certain urge. They didn't need a doctor to see that both Kensi and Deeks were in bad shape.

"I'm sorry, but we lost contact with you... everything went blank," the team leader told him, scanning the room and what was inside.

"We need to get them to the hospital, G. Soon!" The ex-Seal told his partner, unable to hide his concern.

"Paramedics are on their way. Maybe it's better not to move them…" Callen replied, indicating her ribcage. "Especially Kens, she might have broken ribs that could puncture her lungs."

"NO!" Deeks cried out, fighting the dizziness. "Watford… Watford said he was going to rig the place. We need to get out of here. Now!"

The team leader touched his comm, yelling, "Everybody out of here! There are bombs! NOW!"

In the meantime he helped the cop to his feet while Sam was doing the same with Kensi, who was not able to stand on her own. The big man was passing an arm under her legs to lift her up when Deeks stopped him.

"Let me…" he murmured.

"Deeks, don't be stupid. You can't…" Sam couldn't finish the sentence.

"I said, let me!" The cop pushed him aside and passed one arm under her shoulders and the other, his injured one, under her knees. He grunted when his own shoulder exploded in pain, almost blinding him. He staggered and looked for support against the wall.

The ex-Seal was protesting, attempting to help him, when Callen signaled him to let go, shaking his head firmly. Callen guessed that something might have happened between them and that Deeks needed to do this. On his own. Without help.

The cop panted heavily. He stared at his partner's tired eyes and smiled as he told her, "When you can't run, you crawl. And if can't crawl…"

"You find someone to carry you…" Kensi finished for him, leaning her head against his shoulder and closing her eyes.

"Come on, we gotta get out of here!" The team leader started running outside and climbed the stairs, followed by Deeks, who was unsteadily carrying his partner. Sam took the back, being ready in case the cop needed help.

They slowly moved to the bar, crossing through it, when the first explosion shook the whole building. The floor under their feet trembled, making them stumble.

"Move, move, move!" the ex-Seal screamed, pushing Deeks gently, forcing him to place a foot in front of the other as he stubbornly decided that he didn't need any help, from anyone, especially from the big man.

They were stepping through the main door of the club when another, bigger and stronger explosion detonated. The force of it threw them meters away. Debris flew all around as they watched the whole building collapse behind them, engulfing everything in a thick cloud of dust.

For a moment, the four agents were still on the ground, unmoving. It was Callen the first one to stir, coughing and pulling himself on his knees. 'Sam! Kensi! Deeks!" he cried out, as the dust filled his nostrils and dried his throat.

"I'm good, G!" His partner replied, coughing as well.

"Kensi? Deeks?" The team leader insisted with increasing concern and urge when he didn't get any answer. "Deeks… Kensi!"

Finally, a shaky moan reached their ears.

"Kensi!" Sam moved towards the source of the weak sound.

The female agent was lying on her back, blinking and trying to catch some air. Her partner was slumped protectively over her body, shielding her. "Deeks…" was the first word she murmured as her hand stroked the cop's hair. "Deeks, please…" she begged as tears rolled copiously down her cheeks.

It took him a few moments, but then Deeks imperceptibly moved. "Don't cry Fern… I'm still here…" he coughed.

His voice was welcomed by the hysterical, but feeble, laughter of his partner. "I know… and you weigh a ton weight… You're squashing me."

The two senior agents released the breaths they were holding as they approached the two younger teammates. They rolled the cop over and away from Kensi's body after they had checked for spinal injuries that fortunately, weren't there.

Kensi and Deeks laid side by side as they waited for the paramedic to take care of them. Kensi stretched her trembling hand and reached for Deeks' hand, squeezing it. "Thank you," she whispered, thankfully. "Thank you for keeping your word."

"I… told you I was going to get you out…" he slugged, tiredly, but happy. "I would have carried you… everywhere…" He smiled repeating the same words she had told him the last time they had met.

Kensi closed her eyes, unable to stay conscious any longer, but before letting go, she cast one last glance at him. "You have… another promise to keep now."

He took a long, deep breath, coughing when the dusty air reached his lungs. The moment the fit ended, he held her hand even tighter. "I… I will do my best…" He watched her close her eyes and as soon as she did it, he allowed himself to slip into unconsciousness, letting the darkness engulf him.

* * *

An acrid smell reached her nostrils while in the background she could hear a constant beeping sound. Kensi tried to open her eyes, but her eyelids were too heavy and every time she blinked, a blinding light made her regret her action.

She didn't know where she was, but for the first time in ages, she woke up without a stabbing agony engulfing her whole body, which was a pleasuring sensation.

Asking herself a great effort and ignoring the inner voice that told her to stay still, she forced her eyes to open. The sight that welcomed them repaid her back of all struggle.

She was clearly in a hospital bed, surrounded by various machineries that were monitoring her vitals. There was a feeble light coming from the window, a clear indication that it was early morning or early evening.

Her partner was sitting in a plastic chair at her bedside. Her hand in his and he was making slow circles with his thumbs on the back of it. His right arm was in a sling, the cut on his cheek hid by a band aid. Other small cuts and bruises adorned his tired face. His blue eyes were locked on her, sparkling in relief as he saw her finally wake up.

"Good morning Princess," he greeted her, whispering, using the kind and mellow voice she loved so much.

"Hey…" she replied hoarsely, her throat too dry to say something more.

Deeks understood immediately what she needed and picked up a plastic glass with a straw and offered it to her. "Here, this will help you feel better."

Kensi drank avidly, like someone who hadn't drunk in ages; well actually she couldn't remember the last time she had done so. For sure, Watford or his men didn't give her anything during the days of her captivity. "How long…"

Her partner didn't let her finish and smiling, he answered, "Four days. You gave us quite a scare."

"That bad?" She shifted in bed, regretting it immediately when the pain spread from her chest through her whole body.

Once again, Deeks helped her and after she found a more comfortable position, he pressed the button that allowed the painkiller to course through her system. He watched her relax almost immediately. "Bad enough," he stated gravely. "A broken wrist, some contusions here and there, various bruises…" He paused, taking a deep breath. "Two cracked ribs, two broken ones… one nicked your lung that was going to collapse but they intervened it in time. You've been lucky Fern…"

"I don't feel that lucky…" Her expression couldn't hide her discomfort.

"You're getting soft… Wonder Woman's shield is cracking," he joked, but his eyes were serious. Too serious.

Kensi chuckled. She was glad that at least a bit of the old Deeks was still there. She pointed a finger to his sling. "What about you?"

"Just another hole in my body… nothing worse than what I've gotten in the past." He bowed his head, not wanting to cross her gaze.

She noticed the trembling of his hand, not to mention the paleness of his face. He had shaved the longer beard and he was back to the stubble she knew very well and this made his general complexion even more evident. In a word, he still looked like crap. "What are you not telling me, Deeks? You… look horrible."

He smiled bitterly, passing his good hand through his hair. "Ok, maybe it was not just a hole…" his teeth bit his lower lip so hard that he tasted blood. "The bullet crushed my collarbone… it will take a little longer to heal."

Kensi might have been tired, might have woken up after four days, but she was not stupid and mostly, she knew Deeks very well, better than anyone else. "What are you not telling me, Deeks?" she repeated.

He got up abruptly and started pacing. It was in that moment that she realized that he was still wearing the blue hospital pants under his white t-shirt. "Maybe I… I better go call the nurses, they need to know that you're wake. The doctors will probably want to check on you…"

"Deeks, stop!" she cried out, straightening herself up a little, stretching her arm to reach him. "Please… stop and sit down."

The cop couldn't say no to her and fighting his watered eyes, he did what she had asked him. "I… I am a mess, Kens." His trembling increased as he finally admitted it. His whole body was out of control.

She took his hand in hers, wanting to let him know that she was there for him. "We'll get you through this…" Kensi was feeling the painkillers numbing her senses, but she knew that she couldn't sleep, not now. She had to be here, for her partner.

"But look at me, Kens… I… I can't… I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can do is stay here, sitting in this damn chair or in that corner…" He indicated the corner of the room from which he had a complete view of Kensi's bed. "And do nothing. The doctor who visited me said that I… I am depressed and he doesn't want to let me out of here. But I want to go home. This place… in this place, there are too many memories. Everything reminds me of… of that incident and how I screwed up. How I disappointed everyone."

"Deeks, no! Stop it… The doctor only wants to help you and you need it… to go back to who you were, to the man you were. The man I miss so much. The man that filled my heart and my life with joy. I know that deep down you want that man back as much as I want him…" She smiled, giving him the best, most sweetest and tender smile she could manage in this moment.

Deeks shook his head, stubbornly. "That man is dead, Kensi! They broke him… and his soul has been shattered into pieces. And I don't have the strength to put them together. It hurts too much…"

"Look at me!" Her voice was bossy now as she squeezed his hand. She clenched it in a tight vice. "Do you remember your promise, Deeks? What did you tell me back there, in that basement? You promised you would try to do something… Try! So try… I will be here with you, every step of the way. I am not going to leave you, because I care…"

"But I tried!" the cop snapped, clearly frustrated. "I tried, I took those pills and they kept me going, but now they are not enough and there's this void inside of me that is consuming me! It eats me, slowly… and painfully… I don't deserve to be saved, Kensi. I'm useless, totally un-worthy."

"You know that is bullshit, Deeks! Look at what you did with Watford! You saved me… You showed up at his club, alone, and you held your own against him and his men. If it wasn't for Zirov showing up, we would have walked out of that place on our own legs… It took a lot of courage and bravery to do such a thing. It took a great man to do it.. and you are a great man, a great cop. Everyone believes it… everyone knows it…"

"Everyone but me," his words were so low that were almost inaudible.

"Let me help convince you of the opposite then, because I don't think I can spend another day without you around. We… are meant to be, in one way or another. And in one way or another, I will always be here with you, for you… to help you…"

Tears were rolling down his face as he brought his good hand to his mouth. "What if… what if I will never be that man, Kensi? I… I am so scared…"

"It won't be easy, but we'll take one step after another, together, day by day, but we'll make it together. I am ready to do this, because you're more than worthy. I have already told you," Kensi smiled reaching for his face, to touch him. "Are you willing to try?"

Deeks didn't say anything. He simply took her hand and kissed it, closing his eyes and nodding.

Finally, she relaxed a little, sighing and smiling, satisfied. "Good, because I am exhausted now and I need to get some sleep, but I wouldn't want to say goodnight to the world without knowing that we were on the same page…" She felt her eyelids getting heavier and exhaustion catch up with her.

"I… I better get the nurse now…" Deeks felt his wrist been grabbed by her hand, even if her eyes were already closed.

"Please don't, stay with me…" she whispered, moaning, "Why don't you keep me company? There's room for you, too, in this bed…"

"Kens, I… I don't know, I could hurt you… I…"

"Shut up, Deeks and move. I don't know how long I can stay awake anymore," She gave him a cunning grin, guiding him towards her.

The cop capitulated and reluctantly, he joined her on the bed, careful to lie on his good side so he could hold her without further injuring himself and her. He slowly made soothing movements on her arm that sent her into a restful sleep and calmed him too. He took a moment to watch her, to ask himself what he had done to deserve her. He couldn't find an answer.

"I… I don't know what you find in me, Kensi Marie Blye, but I promise you I will do my best not to disappoint you." He planted a long, meaningful kiss on the top of her head. He knew the path to normality was long, full of ups and downs, but he had made a promise to Kensi and he was determined to keep his word, at all cost.

He closed his eyes and without realizing it, he fell asleep. For the first time in months, he slept through the whole night, without a nightmare or a demon haunting him.

In spite of all the terrible things that had happened to them, Deeks had finally found someone who could carry him, someone who would help him to find his way back to life. And he will make it. For her and for himself. He promised and he always kept his word.

The end.

* * *

I can go back to my vacation now... see you soon for another story, maybe... ahaha!


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